


Hellsing Headcanons & Drabbles

by Sapphirewyren



Category: Hellsing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:14:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 8,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24870652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphirewyren/pseuds/Sapphirewyren
Summary: A humorous series of random head canons and drabbles that go through my head about the Hellsing characters and what I think they are really like. Enjoy the madness!
Kudos: 11





	1. Alucard Can't Shoot

**Hellsing Head Canon & Drabbles**

**A Hellsing Fanfic**

**Sapphirewyren**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Author’s Notes: Hey readers, just wanted to let you know how awesome you all are and because you guys rock, I decided to write a new Hellsing series. This is series of some random thoughts about Hellsing and what the characters are really like. Ok let’s go!**

**Chapter 1: Alucard can’t sh0ot**

_Have you ever wonder how Alucard has great aim? Well he doesn’t, it’s all vampiric magic. When Vlad was alive, the modern handgun was not invented and he certainly didn’t use guns to kill his enemies. Since Alucard is a vampire, he doesn’t need to aim, he just uses magic, he even tells Seras this in one of the episodes when he tells her to use her “third eye” when she is trying to aim down sights at the chick that was running._

**Scenario: Alucard has been turned into a human by some strange means and now he has to learn how to defend himself.**

Alucard, Walter and Integra all stared at the dummy that the ex-vampire was supposed to shoot at. The wall behind it and the floor were riddled with bullets, while the dummy was void of any.

“Alucard, I really don’t know what to say…” said Walter.

“I really tried, I usually always hit my targets…” grumbled Alucard.

Integra picked up the gun that Alucard had tossed in disgust, placed another clip in it and shot the dummy’s head off.

“Alucard, you shoot like shit” drawled Integra as she walked away.

Chapter End


	2. Looks Can Be Deceiving

**Hellsing Head Canons and Drabbles**

**Chapter 2: Appearances can be deceiving**

**Sapphirewyren**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

So in the anime Alucard is like really tall, I mean the guy could be a big red Empire State building if he wanted to. And he’s a pretty good looking guy, long dark hair, sexy jaw line, gorgeous eyes, slim face and slender build. (Ok I think I just described Integra). But what if I told you that Alucard was as ugly as sin? Don’t believe me?

[Vlad] was not very tall, but very stocky and strong, with a cold and terrible appearance, a strong and aquiline nose, swollen nostrils, a thin and reddish face in which the very long eyelashes framed large wide-open green eyes; the bushy black eyebrows made them appear threatening. His face and chin were shaven, but for a mustache. The swollen temples increased the bulk of his head. A bull's neck connected [with] his head from which black curly locks hung on his wide-shouldered person.

_— Niccolò Modrussa's description of Vlad the Impaler_

Not so handsome now? So how does Alucard look like the good looking vampire king we know now? Vampire magic. Somewhere along the lines, he drank the blood of the guy whose face he’s wearing now.

**Scenario: Alucard has become human (you know, like in the last chapter)**

Integra could only stare at the man in front of her that said he was Alucard. He looked nothing like the Alucard she knew.

“Alucard, you are a rather ugly looking man. Maybe it’s a good thing you became a vampire” said Integra.

“Isn’t that a bit harsh, Sir Integra?” asked Walter.

“And a bit shallow?” added Alucard.

“I’m not the one who looks like the love child of a Munchkin from the Wizard of Oz and Grumpy from Snow White” retorted Integra.


	3. Crime and Punishment

Hellsing Head Canons and Drabbles

Chapter 3: Crime and Punishment

DianaPrince31

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Head canon: Integra has a very active imagination, she would have to. Her childhood was probably not very normal.**

Integra believed that one had to have an active imagination when punishing someone; one had to be creative in doing it. Her father was rather the dullard when it came to punishing her when she was a child. It was always ‘go to your room and think about what you have done’. Integra figured if someone was going to think about what they have done, they would think of a way not to get caught the next time, she knew she certainly did. This was why right now Alucard was wearing a Dalmatian print two-piece bikini, a dog collar and stilettos.

“Master, don’t you think that this is a bit excessive?”

“I haven’t even told you the best part. You are to behave as a good dog, so if a soldier throws a stick and tell you to fetch, you obey.”

“That is humiliating!”

“That is the point. And if you’re a good boy, I’ll take you out on a walk.”

The soldiers and even Walter had a good time with the new ‘pet’ and Integra chuckled to herself, creativity in punishment was vital. Alucard wasn’t the only one who could be cruel.

Chapter End


	4. You Are What You Eat

**HELLSING HEAD CANONS AND DRABBLES**

**YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT**

**Sapphirewyren**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing.**

**Head Canon: Hellsing character eating habits**

**Seras**

Despite what people think, vampires can eat any food they want to, their new undead bodies have to get used to it. Seras was not about to give up her chocolates and lattes anytime soon.

**Integra**

After years of hearing tales of blood sucking vampires and flesh eating ghouls, she decided to become a vegetarian. But every now and then Integra enjoys a good filet mignon, well done of course. There are times when she enjoys something a bit stronger than tea or wine. That is when Integra pulls out the good bourbon, none of that cheap ale the soldiers drink.

**Alucard**

After the debacle with making popcorn (see the Alucard Discovers series) the vampire King developed an obsession with the salty, buttery snack. Of course a little bit of blood makes it even better.

Chapter End


	5. Of Ringtones and Fast Cars

HELLSING HEAD CANONS AND DRABBLES

OF RINGTONES AND FAST CARS

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Head Canon: What kind of car would the characters of Hellsing get?**

**Alucard:** He wouldn’t get a car because Integra would not allow it, that’s just common sense. A vampire with a car is a disaster waiting to happen. Or maybe Alucard wouldn’t get a car because he would be too busy trying to get a horse instead.

 **Enrico Maxwell:** He would probably get a car similar to the Pope mobile (yes that’s a real thing).

 **Anderson:** If God didn’t create it, he won’t use it.

 **Seras:** Something cute like a Fiat or a Mini Cooper.

 **Integra:** She would get something fast and makes her look like the boss she is, like a Lamborghini and since she couldn’t decide between the Aventador, Centenario or the Huracan, Integra got all three and alternates between them. Walter’s days of driving her around are long gone. You all saw how she was driving that car in that episode, she clearly wished it was a sports car.

 **Walter:** A Jaguar, that’s it. No need to say anymore.

 **Pip:** He’s a large SUV kind of guy, like a Hummer or a tank.

**Head Canon: Cell Phone ringtones**

**Alucard:** Something along the lines of Death rock or grunge. Integra would find this annoying because he would use her phone to call himself just so he can hear it over and over.

 **Enrico Maxwell:** Something extremely boring and religious, like Gregorian chants. (I think I just fell asleep typing this). All other types of music would be deemed heretical or pornographic.

 **Anderson:** He probably wouldn’t have a cell phone for fear that Alucard would call him to annoy him. And if he had to get one, his ringtone would be the same as Enrico’s.

 **Seras** : Whatever pop star is popular at the moment, which means it would change every week and this would also annoy Integra. Huge One Direction fan here…

 **Integra:** She wouldn’t have one, if it can’t be used to kill the undead, it’s just dead weight. Integra believes that if her hips are going to be carrying anything, it would be holsters with guns loaded with blessed silver bullets. But for the sake of this head canon, Integra’s ringtone would be the default one.

 **Walter:** Something classy like classical music or weirdly enough opera.

 **Pip:** Rap music, in an attempt to look cool. (Pip, there is no such thing as a cool French rapper, sorry).

Chapter End


	6. You Can Make Me, But I Won't Like It

Hellsing Head Canons and Drabbles

You Can Make Me But, I Won’t Like It

DianaPrince31

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Head Canon: The Queen DOES NOT force Integra to get married and have children for the sake of the Hellsing Organization.**

I never understood the fan fictions where the Queen forces Integra to have an heir. Sure the Hellsing is a family owned organization –as long as the head of the family wants it to remain that way. I am sure it’s against British law or something, I would have to Google it. Besides do you really think that Integra would let some old broad tell her what to do with her body or her family? I’m Catholic and I’ll be the first to say most of the popes the church as a bunch of over -zealous, sexist, hypocritical dicks, (that’s why I don’t like Anderson or Enrico). Her Royal Oldness may ADVISE that Integra that take a vacation or a break sometimes but not to have children. I’m sure the Queen knows that Integra knows what she is doing and has a plan for the future of the Hellsing Organization.

**Situation 1**

Queen: Sir Integra, I command that you find a suitable husband and have an heir.

Integra: *slaps The Queen*

**Situation 2**

Queen: Sir Integra, I command that you have an heir.

Integra: Make me.

Queen: That’s what I’m doing, right now.

Integra: Well you’re doing a poor job, so bite me.

Queen: *face palms*

**Situation 3**

Queen: Sir Integra, I command that you have an heir.

Integra: It’s because of crappy monarchs like you that there is a country called America.

I could go on, but you get my drift, so no more stories about the Queen forcing Integra to have kids okay? Who am I kidding? You guys will write what you want.

Chapter End

**Author’s Notes: NEW SERIES ALERT!! This gave me an idea for a new story called _The Hellsings go Camping._ So at least now you have something to look forward and the return of Hellsing Witch Hunter: 1616. See ya in the next chapter.**


	7. How Do You Take Your Coffee?

Hellsing Head Canons and Drabbles

Ch. 7 How Do You Take Your Coffee?

DianaPrince31

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing. If I did there would be no need for these head canons because these would already be canon.**

I saw someone drinking coffee and this gave me an idea of how the Hellsing characters would take their coffee.

Seras would drink one of those frappacino, latte or those drinks made up with more sugar and whipped cream in it than coffee and a ridiculously long name that sounds a mix between Italian and gibberish.

Alucard would take his black and red, the red being the blood of some poor barista from Starbucks, most likely because he made fun of Alucard’s goofy red outfit.

Integra would have a cup of espresso times ten because when someone has to deal with Alucard’s nonsense, espresso is a good choice.

Walter would take his coffee with sugar and milk, but he would really prefer a cup of tea.

Pip would drink coffee with whiskey in it, get drunk, make inappropriate advances towards Seras and probably get his butt whooped by Alucard. Integra would ban the Wild Geese from anything caffeinated, just like she did with Alucard and Seras.

Chapter End


	8. Hellsing With the Good Hair

Hellsing Head Canons and Drabbles

Ch 8 Hellsing With The Good Hair

DianaPrince31

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Head Canon: Integra is obsessed with her hair (but you wouldn’t know it).**

Integra believed greatly in hair hygiene as much as she believed in hygiene itself. Clean hair was a sign of intelligence, only a stupid person would let their hair stay filthy and do nothing about it. Whenever Integra returned from one of her hunts, the first chance she gets, she washes her hair, of course then she has to make up a new hair washing schedule. The good thing about Integra’s hair is that she doesn’t style it up as other women do and why should she? It’s perfect the way it is, that’s the great thing about it, a hundred brushes or so and it’s good. Integra was proud of her hair; thick, long and plenty of volume and strength; the Hellsings all had good hair, from the first to the last.

Sometimes this obsession can be kind of troublesome, like the time when she was six and had a play date with the Whitehall’s son, Andrew Whitehall. The boy had pulled her hair and NO ONE pulls Integra’s hair and she gave him a reminder of this by punching him in the nose, of course the Whitehalls wanted nothing to do with Integra ever again. Or the time in the middle of a soldier’s report she interrupted just to ask when was the last time he washed his hair.

“I don’t know when I washed my hair last” the soldier stammered.

“You mean, you’re standing in my office stinking it up with your stench? Go wash your hair and do it properly, I shouldn’t have to be subjected to such abuse!”

The poor soldier ran out of the office, while Integra told the butler; “Walter, burn this office and get a new one.” That was impossible, but Walter did his best to air out the office.

So when you watch that Hellsing episode where Integra wanted to get back to her mansion because the soldiers needed her, what she really wanted to say was; “I have to get this vampire blood and shit out of my hair.”

Chapter End


	9. I Can Do Bad All By Myself

HELLSING HEAD CANONS AND DRABBLES

CH 9 I can do Bad All by Myself

DianaPrince31

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing.**

**Head Canon: Integra is a very hands on commander.**

Integra is not the type to sit at a desk while her soldiers did all the fighting. She did not spend endless hours, years training with different guns and sword fighting techniques, so she could just sit around and give orders. The Knights of the Round Table tried to dissuade Integra the first time, she made up her mind to go out in the field that was when she was fifteen. But Integra being the stubborn young woman that she was, would not listen. So the old men decided that to let her, she’ll learn that it’s not all fun and games they said among themselves. Needless to say that first time out in the field and facing what the soldiers faces left an indelible mark on Integra and as much as she never wanted to do that again, she knew that she could not truly be a leader if she did not actually lead and she could not command a bunch of men to do something that she herself would not do. So let those old men sit in their cozy chairs and feel safe, Integra would rather face the dangers of facing down the satanic monsters that dared threaten her beloved England. And she did just that until the day she died.

 _Leadership is practiced not so much in words, but in attitude and in actions_ – Harold S. Geneen.

 _If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader. -_ John Quincy Adams.

**Author’s Note: A more serious note this chapter.**

Chapter End


	10. Star LIght, Twilight

HELLSIND HEAD CANONS AND DRABBLES

Star light, twilight

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing.**

**Head Canon: The Hellsing characters have read the book _Twilight_ by Stephanie Meyer.**

**Alucard:** He thinks the book is a joke because he strongly knows that vampires DO NOT SPARKLE! Alucard also doesn’t’ understand how Bella can be the strongest when she was just turned. He pointed out every mistake about vampires in red pen, so as he puts it; “Pathetic humans won’t get the wrong idea.

 **Integra:** She read the series (much to Alucard’s chagrin) and is unimpressed, but can understand why young girls like it. She wouldn’t subject any girl to Alucard.

 **Seras:** She absolutely loves the book and sometimes wishes that Alucard can be more like Edward Cullen. She saw the movies dozens of times and has several posters of Edward and Jacob. Robert Pattinson has a restraining order against the employees of Hellsing because he woke up one night to see Seras watching him sleep.

 **Walter:** He finds the books mildly amusing, but knows what a true vampire is like.

 **Enrico and Anderson:** Both these clowns find the books to be heretical and satanic nonsense and Anderson thinks that Stephanie Meyer is an underworldly demon.

 **The Major:** Where are the wars? Even though the vampires and werewolves fight against each, he finds those to be more small battles, not a full-blown war.

 **Schrodinger:** He lost his copy of the book.

 **Heinkel:** She (or he) thought that Bella had no back bone and was too clingy.

 **Yumie:** She, like Seras loved the book, she however did not stalk Robert Pattinson to watch him while he slept.

 **Zoran:** Shares the same opinion as Heinkel, but with a lot more swear words. Also she likes to write down a list of tortures that she would put Edward and Bella through.

Chapter End


	11. All Rise for the Honorable Judge Integra Hellsing

Hellsing Head Canons & Drabbles

Ch. 11 All Rise for the Honorable Judge Integra Hellsing

DianaPrince31

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Drabble:** I was watching the show Judge Judy and thought to myself that Integra would make a great TV judge. It would be hilarious to see how she would deal with all the morons that come to her courtroom. All the snide and creative insults she would have for them every time they say something ridiculous. But Integra would also be wise enough to know when someone is lying, just so they can get money out of someone and she would be caring enough so that the right person would get justice. Ok that’s all I had to say. And no she would NOT wear those ugly powdered wigs British judges would wear.

Chapter end


	12. Brazilian Wax

HELLSING HEAD CANONS AND DRABBLES

Sapphirewyren

Brazilian Wax

**Disclaimer : I do not own Hellsing**

**Head canon: Integra is obsessed with her newly waxed floors**.

Integra liked things neat and organized, that was just her. On the battlefield, things could get messy and disoriented in a matter of seconds, but at home everything had to be in its proper place. So that was the reason why she was going ballistic when one of the maids was being lazy and _dragging_ a chair across the dining room floor instead of _lifting_ it.

“What the hell is wrong with you?! Why would you do something so asinine?! I _just_ had this floor waxed! Pick up the chair, you lazy slag”

This startled the woman and she dropped the chair, sending a few screw scattering across the floor. Integra nearly tore her hair out, (the maid’s, not her own of course); “The cost of fixing this floor is coming out of your paycheck.”

Another thing was no one argued when Integra said she just had the floor waxed, even if just meant six months ago.

Chapter End

**Authors Note: Misled you with that title, didn't I?**


	13. Chapter 13

Hellsing Head Canons & Drabbles

Captain Pip Bernadotte

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Head canon: Pip is not as stupid as everyone thinks.**

The reason I say this is because I have read fan fics where Pip is portrayed as a lecherous idiot. So to those who think he is, I say consider this, the first he wouldn’t be in charge of the Wild Geese. This is not some little club, but a mercenary unit who are constantly in life and death situations, so being stupid or an idiot is certainly not in the job description. Pip’s men are completely loyal to him and idiots do not gain the respect of people, especially where heavy weaponry is involved.

The second is that the Wild Geese decided to take on the job working at Hellsing. Even after finding out that they would be fighting vampires, the men of the Wild Geese still followed their leader, which most likely meant that Pip had a plan to fight the undead. Speaking of which, the Wild Geese never fought vampires before so, as their leader Pip had to come up with ways to fight them. They don’t ever show how they fought vampires, but months later they are still alive to face the Millennium forces, so stupidity couldn’t have a role in this.

The third is the elaborate defense system of the Hellsing Manor during the war with Millennium, a stupid person or an idiot could not have come up with a plan like that. So people, Pip may be a bit lecherous towards Seras, but he actually loved her and did not even care that she was a vampire or considered a monster. His relationship with Alucard is not one where the vampire would insult or disrespect him. If Alucard did not think that the Wild Geese were worthy enough of protecting his master, he would have eaten them a long time ago.

I think that Pip was an intelligent, strategic, charismatic man, who was also a bit goofy but was also a caring and loving person, who had the loyalty of his men, the love of Seras and the respect of Alucard and Integra. So no more idiot Pip, that’s just ruining his character.

Chapter End


	14. Gin and Tonic Please

**HELLSING HEAD CANONS AND DRABBLES**

**DianaPrince31**

**Ch.14 A Gin and Tonic Please**

**Disclaimer : I do not own Hellsing**

**Head Canon: Sir Arthur Hellsing was not a drunk.**

I have read fanfictions that say that Arthur Hellsing was a drunk, however this can't be true. If he was a drunk, he would not have been able to run the organization efficiently. According to Hellsing wiki Arthur was cocky, amorous and he liked women. He was also sloppy, but it says nothing of him being a drunk. Also the other knights would have found some way to have him ousted if he couldn't do his duty properly. I don't doubt that maybe in his younger years, Arthur would have a drink or two to take edge off. I have also read that Arthur was a workaholic and practicality neglected Integra. This is also not true; in the show there are scenes that show him teaching Integra even while he was in his sickbed. I know that Arthur would have tried to spend as much time as he possibly could so that he could teach Integra everything he knew, because he would be leaving the organization to her. Arthur loved and cared for his daughter and he would not do something so ridiculous as to get drunk and neglect her. So in his younger years Arthur liked his women and had no clue what the word organized meant, but he loved and cared for his daughter and knew how to run an organization.

**Author’s Notes: This makes me wonder what the heck kind of fanfictions I was reading.**


	15. Alucard's Hair

HELLSING HEADCANONS & DRABBLES

A Hellsing FanFic

DianaPrince31

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Drabble:** Alucard’s hair has a mind of its own. It moves whenever it wants and apparently does whatever the heck it wants to do. So Alucard would know his share of bad hair days and very bad hair days.

Integra: Alucard…your hair is…

Alucard: I’m sorry Master, no matter what I do, it just won’t stay down.

Integra: Is this a reoccurring thing?

Alucard: I’m afraid so. It decided to do the beehive thing….

**Bayonetta suddenly appears in Integra’s office.**

Bayonetta: My hairstyle doesn’t look good on you, love.

Alucard: I know!

Oh the indignities of looking like you’re trying to rip off Bayonetta.


	16. Samielle McClaren

Hellsing Head Canons & Drabbles

Sapphirewyren

**Samielle McClaren**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing. I do however own my OCs**

**Author’s Notes: This drabble is about my OC (oh wait the title already said that)**

**Sam has three forms: Human, Beast and Anthropomorphic (think furry). If you read the _Winds of Change_ series that she is white tiger with copper stripes. Another ability that Sam has is that she can change her body parts between these three form independently. For example in the story _Wings of the Damned_ , while she is in Beast form, Sam changes her paws into human hands so that she can read the newspaper. Weird, right?**

Now that technology was far advanced, it was imperative that Hellsing keep up with the times, even if they were hunting and fighting vampires and other monsters. So that was why Integra, Sam and Seras were right now watching the Technology Team test out the new version UV bullets and knives. The knives were meant to be like the bullets, a onetime use item, inside the blade was liquefied UV and on penetration in the damned’s head or heart the blade would shatter and release the UV, killing it. The team was also testing ways to make the knives into a projectile, so that up close melee would not always be necessary. As the three women were watching, Integra felt something rubbing on her butt, she sighed; “Sam, stop groping my ass.”

Sam gave her a confused look and holding up both hands said; “I’m not touching you, Baby Cakes.” Now it was Integra’s turn to be confused, she knew that Seras would never do such a thing and the soldiers and officer that were also observing were not close enough to touch her. Integra turned around in time to see a long white, striped tail disappear. She glared at Sam before punching her in the eye. Sam could only hold her eye and grin sheepishly; “Didn’t know I could that, did you Sweet Cheeks?”

Chapter End

**A drabble about my OC finally. Hope you enjoyed. See ya in the next chapter.**


	17. How Do You Like It?

**HELLSING HEADCANONS & DRABBLES**

**A HELLSING FANFIC**

**DianaPrince31**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Author's Notes: This one is going to be rated F for Funny and M for mature theme, if you're mature about it. (Psst, I'm typing this during work…)**

**Let's talk about the birds and the bees, you know sex**

So what kind of sex does the characters of Hellsing like?

 **Alucard** **:** With lots of blood and multiple partners. (Maybe of both genders? Cuz the whole Girlycard thing?)

 **Seras** **:** It has to be romantic like in the period dramas.

 **Walter:** I'm way too old to be thinking about that, do you want me to break a hip?

 **Penwood** : Uh…uh…my wife and I ….are perfectly happy…umm yes, perfectly happy

 **Sir Islands:** What crude topic of conversation is this? That is none of your business!

 **Major:** Smoshing, just less smashing food on bodies and more eating it.

 **Herr Doktor:** Necrophilia…no wait! Can I change my answer? (He would do Mina Harker's dead body…gross)

 **Zorin:** I just saw the movie _The Handmaiden_ so something like that …. (who knew she was into romance movies?)

 **Schrodinger** :….I lost my book about sex, can I get another copy?

 **Captain:** Doggystyle (figures…)

 **Rip Van Winkle:** After what Alucard did to me with that rifle, I'm never having sex again!

 **Enrico Maxwell** : It would be with a woman of importance, not some by the way Protestant whore.

 **Anderson:** WHAT SACRLIGOUS BLASPHEMY ARE YOU SPOUTING, YOU HERETIC?

 **Yumie:** As a nun, I am married to Jesus Christ, therefore I have no need to fornicate.

 **Heinkel:** This person has no sex parts or libido, so no sex for Heinkel.

 **Integra:** I want a burly man like Shemar Moore or The Rock to throw me around the bed and give it to me real rough. (XD)

**Chapter End**


	18. Suggestion Box

**HELLSING HEAD CANONS & DRABBLES**

**HELLSING FANFICTION**

**DianaPrince31**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Suggestion Box**

There was a reason why Integra did not like suggestion boxes because it allowed people to write foolish things under anonymity and that was enough to drive any employer mad. Walter had convinced her to set up the box and in a week it was filled with suggestions. Some useful, others slightly amusing and some downright stupid and at the end of every week, Walter would read the suggestions and whatever was deemed beneficial to the organization was implemented.

“Bring in some dancing ladies” read Walter, clearly bored with the ‘suggestion’.

“Doesn’t he get tired of writing the same thing? It’s as if someone taught a parrot to write” sighed Integra.

“You know who wrote this one?” asked Walter.

“Of course, it was Pip, for two reasons. The first he is the horniest out of the lot and the second; he is the one who signed the contract- without reading it.”

“Shall I tell him to stop with the dancing ladies suggestions, Sir?”

For a moment Integra was going to say ‘yes’, but then an idea popped into her head- a very cruel idea. “I have a phone call to make, we’ll let Pip have his dancing ladies” smiled Integra. The smile on her lips looked sinister, like the Grinch, which made Walter worry.

Later on that week, word got around that Integra actually agreed with Pip’s suggestion and he was practically a hero. All the mercenaries were exited and that was the topic was all any of them could talk about. In fact it annoyed Seras and Alucard so immensely that they tried to talk Integra out of allowing it to happen.

“What would your father say?” said Alucard.

“He’d probably have his tongue hanging out of his mouth” said Integra.

“Ok bad example, what would your great grandfather say?”

“No clue, because he’s dead.”

“Master, this is serious. Such a prestigious household should not the be the place where such debauchery takes place.”

“Neither should it be the place where a 500-years-old vampire runs about stark naked claiming that he’s going to rub his balls on my damn pillows!”

“That was a joke, Master.”

“I just don’t want those mercenaries to expect that I will be doing any dancing for them” huffed Seras.

“You two don’t need to worry, I know exactly what I am doing” Integra reassured the two vampires, she even ruffled Seras’ hair as she walked out of the office. All week Alucard and Seras tried to dissuade Integra, but she was adamant that the show must go on. And on the day of the show, one of the ballrooms was chosen as the place to the show and mercenaries crowded in ready for a good time. The announcer, a very effeminate male said to the hungry crowd; “The lovely Lady Hellsing invited me and my very beautiful dancers here tonight to show you boys a good time! Are you ready?” The crowd roared their answer and soon the lights dimmed and sultry music spilled forth from the speakers. “Let me introduce you to the QUEENS OF LONDON!” The curtains lifted and there swaying their hips sensually were dozens of – drag queens. All the happy faces turned into those of disgust and stiffies became limp real quick. But as they say the show must go on and for three hours the mercenaries were forced to watch hairy men in nearly nothing at all but pumps and too many layers of make-up dance, prance around and worse; grind up on them or kiss them. A few lucky mercenaries even got spankings on their bare bottoms. From her office, Integra could hear the men’s shrieks of horror as they realized what the dancers were truly. This would stop anyone from putting anymore stupid ideas in the suggestion box.

Chapter End

**Author’s Notes: I have nothing against drag queens. But poor Pip, hahaha. Sorry I have not been posting as much as I should, really busy, but don’t worry you’ll see me around.**


	19. Cosplay

HELLSING HEAD CANONS & DRABBLES

DIANAPRINCE31 (AKA SAPPHIREWYREN)

Ch 19 Cosplay and Chocolate

**Author’s Notes: We’re here again with some more drabbles…yay! And soon there will be another chapter posted for Hellsing Law & Order. Thanks for your patience (or impatience)**

** Coplay **

“Cosplay?” The look of confusion was a rare occurrence on the face of the head of the Hellsing family, but here it was as the blond vampire, Seras bounced up and down in front of Integra’s desk.

“Yeah, it’s when you dress up as someone in a show, book or movie. I’m dressed as Serena from Sailor Moon. You should try it.”

Integra smirked: “I am already cosplaying…as a man.”

End

** Chocolate **

Walter walked into the office with a scowl on his face and said , “Sir, we need to talk.”

“What did Alucard do this time?”

“I don’t believe you were stern enough with him about personal boundaries and personal items.”

“He ate your chocolate Bonbons again? I thought that the stomach ache would have been lesson enough.”

Alucard’s ears must have been burning or he was just eavesdropping because he phased into the office and said, “I did not eat your Bonbons this time and I can vouch for Seras.”

“Well who did? I am sure I hid them so not even the mercenaries know where they are.”

“Are you sure you didn’t eat them and forgot?” asked Integra. Walter rubbed his chin, “That could be possible. I’m just going to have to find a new hiding spot for them.” The butler left the office to go back to the store, meanwhile, Integra opened her drawer and took out the ‘missing’ chocolate treat and ate one. Tossing one into Alucard’s mouth she smirked, “This is our little secret.”

Chapter End

**Author: Believe it or not, I have never tasted a Bonbon and if I did, I didn’t know it. Hopefully you guys will enjoy this little ‘filler’ chapter. See ya in the next one!**


	20. Weaponize Me, Cap'n!

**HELLSING DRABBLES & HEADCANONS**

**Sapphirewyren**

**Ch 20 Weaponize Me Cap’n**

**Author’s Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing.**

**Author’s Notes : The idea for this chapter comes from EJ17**

**Favorite Weapons**

**Alucard** : My Casull, such a magnificent weapon.

 **Walter** : My tea serving skills and wires. (He will probably will serve the undead tea laced with blessed silver.)

 **Integra** : My sword, though nothing compares watching a ghouls head explode when a silver bullet makes impact with its unholy cranium.

 **Seras** : Ummm… I guess my hands, I get a sick satisfaction from tearing ghouls in half. You probably thought I would say that monstrosity of a cannon Walter gave me. Well despite what that stupid parody says, this bitch does NOT love cannons!

 **Anderson** : My bayonets, I love carving up that vile vampire, just wish he’d stay dead though.

 **Schrodinger** : No one gives me weapons because they think I will lose it.

Chapter End

**Author’s Notes: So there you are another short drabble. Hope you enjoyed.**


	21. Gettin' Paid

**Hellsing Head Canons and Drabbles**

**DianaPrince31**

**Gettin' Paid**

**Disclaimer : I do not own Hellsing**

**Author's Notes : Just a random drabble.**

Alucard: Master, I would like to start getting paid.

Integra: What would you do with the money?

Alucard: I would….

Integra : *unblinking stare*

Alucard: Would you blink already!?

Integra: Whether I blink or not, does not answer my question.

Alucard: I would invest it… yes, that's what I would do.

Integra: You don't look like the investing type. By the way, have you seen this month of _Weapons Monthly?_ I have been searching for it and can't seem to find it.

Alucard: Ummm…. No I haven't seen it… gotta go….

The magazine coincidentally appeared on Integra's desk later that evening. Integra had a feeling of who stole it, no wonder Alucard wanted to get a check! At the end of the week when the checks were being handed out, Alucard got one as well.

Seras: How come I don't get one?

Integra: Because he asked.

Alucard:* sticks tongue out at Seras * Yeah, I asked, Police Girl.

When he saw the amount, the Vampire king' s widened.

Alucard: Master, only 5£? Isn't that a bit cheap?

Integra: Do you really think that I am stupid, Alucard?

Alucard: You are the most wisest woman I know.

Integra: You're damn right I am, but stating obvious facts will not get you any more money. I know you are the one who stole my magazine.

Alucard: How could you accuse me of such a horrible crime? Where is your proof?

Integra: I do not need proof. I'm not paying you.

Alucard: Why not?

Integra: Because giving a destructive being such as yourself access to money is a very bad idea.

Alucard: I promise I won't buy anything dangerous.

Integra: I know that is a lie.

Alucard: How?

Integra: I received a bloody invoice in my email for twenty rocket launchers and ammunition! Now get out!

Chapter End


	22. Pac-Man

**HELLSING HEADCANONS & DRABBLES**

**DIANAPRINCE31**

**Pac-Man**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Headcanon: Integra is addicted to Pac-Man**

She had no clue why the large yellow ball eating the small white dots and the different colored blobs call ghosts really entertained her, but it did. The first time Pac-Man popped up on her computer screen it was completely by accident and she just played the first round out of curiosity. But now Integra could say she definitely had a problem. You know you had a problem when your bras and panties had Pac-Man on it. But she didn't care because it wasn't like anyone would see her undergarments anyway. However do not under any circumstances try to get that woman to stop playing because from what I heard it is detrimental to one's health. But sometimes people never listen to warnings.

“Master, what are you doing? “

“Working, what does it look like I’m doing? “

“It looks like you are playing Pac-Man still. “

“Then leave me alone. “

“You haven’t yelled at me for six days. “

“You should be happy. “

“You haven’t spoken to me in six days. “

“Well now I’m happy.”

Alucard frowned, he needed to help his master kick this addiction so against every bit of common sense and logic he knew, the vampire picked up the computer and threw it out of the nearest window. The was eerily silent for a few minutes as Integra sat still as a stone, hands still on the keyboard as if in still in play. Then an eyebrow started to twitch and then Integra exploded; “ ALUCARD! YOU NO GOOD, IDIOTIC, PIECE OF SHIT, WANK STICK SUCKER! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR? “

Alucard took a step back in terror; “It was for your own good, master. “

“MY OWN GOOD?! LOOK HERE YOU DISGUSTING, MISERABLE PILE OF UNDEAD SKUNK PISS, DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH MY COMPUTER TO TALK TO ME WHILE I AM PLAYING MY GAMES! “

“But Master, you grown addicted to… “

“DID I ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR OPINION ABOUT MY WELL BEING? NOW I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THAT YOU ARE A STUPID, VILE AND INEPT BEING AS A MAN AND AS A VAMPIRE!”

“I am a stupid, vile and inept being as a man and a vampire”.

“LOUDER! I WANT YOU TO CLIMB TO THE ROOFTOP AND SHOUT IT OUT LOUD SO THAT ALL OF FUCKING LONDON CAN HEAR YOU!”

Alucard did as he was told, which left many of the employees of Hellsing wondering what was going on. Later Walter walked into Integra's office to find the commander pacing back and forth like a pissed off caged tiger. He had waited to go into office until Integra was a bit less angry and less likely to call him a combination of insults.

“I have made you some tea, Sir. It should help calm you down.”

“Alucard! Get your sorry ass in here now!”

“Yes Master?”

The vampire was greeted by a teapot of hot tea splashed into his face.

“You were right, Walter, that did calm me down.”

“Of course it did, Sir” came the reply as the butler produced another teapot and poured his boss a cup.

A couple days later Integra walked into living room to see a large group of people, she turned right back around and left. “And yes you're all fired.” Integra did not to interventions.

**Chapter End**


	23. What's Under that Eye Patch

HELLSING HEADCANONS & DRABBLES

DIANAPRINCE 31

**What’s under that Eye Patch**

** Disclaimer:  ** **I do not own Hellsing.**

Ever since Seras saw Pip, she wondered what happened to his eye. The French mercenary had a large brown eye patch and a different story of how he got it. One time it was shot out in a mission in Sudan. He lost it in a knife fight. He was caught with a married woman and her wife came home and he offered a three way. He dug it out to save one of his men. Either way it was one fantastic story after another and Seras was getting more and more curious. So she asked Integra, perhaps the commander had asked about it, seeing as having one eye to fight ghouls and vampires could be seen as a hindrance. But Integra was just as clueless as Seras. Alucard had also had no idea and the mercenaries were just as bad as Pip with the exaggerated stories.

Now Seras’ curiosity was infectious because Integra, Alucard and Walter now wanted an answer as well. So Integra called Pip to her office; and when Pip arrived, the heiress ripped the patch off revealing-a perfectly normal eye. “Well that was disappointing” sighed Seras. “I thought there was going to be more.”

With a sheepish look and a shrug, Pip said; “Sorry, I really like the pirate look.”


	24. A Box Full of Kittens

HELLSING HEADCANONS & DRABBLES

DIANAPRINCE31

**Kittens, Kittens and more Kittens**

** Disclaimer: ** **I do not own Hellsing.**

**Note: This is for _TransformersMangaFangirl,_ who came up with the suggestion.**

**Character Reactions to a box full of kittens.**

**Alucard:** He would try to ignore them at first and boy would he try, however their cute eyes would remind him of Seras and he would sit there playing with the kittens for hours. And when the kittens get tired and are ready for a nap, he would change into his dog form and nap with them, curling up with them protectively.

 **Seras:** She would immediately fall in love with them. She would pet and hug them and play with them. She would insist on feeding them from a bottle and give them cute names and kisses. Seras would beg to take them home and claim it was her dream to have a box full of kittens.

 **Schrodinger:** It would pretty much be like Seras, he’s a cat-boy and they are kittens, so he would play and romp with them all day, but unlike Seras, he will eventually lose them, which would be sad.

 **Walter:** He is impartial to animals as long as they are toilet trained, but he would see the kittens as extra work and so he would spend the time looking for good homes for them instead.

 **Integra:** She would have no need for kittens and their eyes would have no effect on her. However the kittens would follow her home and she would keep them for Alucard and Seras’ sake, much to Walter’s chagrin because he knows he’s the one to toilet train them. She would eventually get used to having them around and will be seen petting them, scratching them behind the ears or giving them belly rubs.

 **Anderson:** He would see them as children and treat them as such, giving them a warm home, plenty of toys and food and water for them. He would be worried sick if one of them should fall ill. He would love those kittens and would hate the fact that Alucard feels the same way because he wouldn’t think that Alucard is even capable of feeling love.

 **Yumie:** She would love the kittens right away and on some Sundays accidentally forget church because she’s too busy loving them. Yumie might also dress the kittens up in little Nun habits. Cat Mass!

 **Zorin:** She just might eat them…XD

 **Heinkel:** Honestly I have no idea what she/he might do with them, I don’t really know this character that well.

 **Major:** He would just try to make them have a war against one another and when that doesn’t work, he will most likely give them to Herr Doktor or eat them.

 **Herr Doktor:** He will do horrible experiments on them. (This is why I hate the guys from Millennium…)

 **The Captain** : He, like Alucard, would try to ignore them because he is all stoic and stuff, but he will become attached to them over time, making sure that they are well taken care of and if anyone tries to harm them, he would rip them to shreds.

 **Sir Shelby Penwood:** Instantly fall in love with them, because we all know he is a big softy for kittens, I mean look at his name.

Ok so that’s what I think that the characters of Hellsing would do with a box of kittens. I know that some would not agree, probably with Millennium’s end, but if they were going to start a war with humans imagine what they would do to animals. And sorry to Makube fan’s I just have no clue who the heck he is or how he is important to the show at all.


	25. Any Blood

**HELLSING HEADCANONS & DRABBLES**

**SAPPHIREWYREN**

**Ch 25. Any Blood**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing**

**Alucard doesn't drink just ANY blood.**

Now we all know that Alucard drinks blood packets from the strange deal that the Hellsing Organization has with a hospital, I think it was called St. John's. I could be wrong. We also know that Alucard feasts on the blood of his unlucky victims. But at first a young Integra thought that Alucard would drink any blood, so when she was a teen and that time of the month came she made sure to burn all of her feminine stuff. After all who wants a vampire drinking that? But one day Alucard assured her that he was not interested in her monthly blood-in his own way…

"Master, you need not worry about such a trivial thing. I am not such a pervert that I would do something like that."

"Well I am glad to hear that."

"If I wanted to drink such blood, I would prefer it straight from the source."

"..."

BLAM!

Chapter End.

**Sorry for not uploading for such a long time, full time job has sapped my creativity and I am actively trying to stoke the flames of creativity again. I don't feel that I should upload work that I feel are mediocre just to upload stories. I hope that this was at least remotely funny. I got the idea from a fan pic I saw on Tumblr. Alucard is slouching in his chair with Integra's used feminine stuff around him and she is yelling at him.**


	26. Alucard Don't Know Nothing

HELLSING HEADCANONS & DRABBLES

A HELLSING FANFIC

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Alucard don’t know nothing**

Alucard discovers the world as a baby does. A baby that is capable of causing a lot of trouble. I read on a Tumblr post that he taught himself modern Romanian. Yeah, you wish Tumblr person. If you came back to life and was tossed into the future, who cares if you’re a hundred-years-old vampire, you’re going to learn things through trial and error. You’re not going know everything right away. Alucard is not like a dog, who learns things by watching and socializing. He’s going to want to try it for himself and be piss poor at doing it at first until he gets good at it, like the rest of us normal humans. What makes him so great that he can grasp languages in a second or know about the world so quickly? The world and its people are constantly changing and at a rapid pace. Trial and error, or in Alucard’s error and error. So if you want to see how Alucard truly discovers things feel free to read _Alucard Discovers Bubblegum._

Chapter End

**Author’s Notes: Yeah I’m using one fanfic to advertise another, what of it? Ok, I hope you enjoyed it. See ya in the next chapter!**


	27. Line Up

**HELLSING HEAD CANONS & DRABBLES**

**A HELLSING FANFIC**

**Sapphirewyren**

** Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing- for now **

****

Let’s say that Integra found herself in a police line up – in America because someone said that a blond woman, wearing a suit attacked them and they spoke with an “English” accent. The police officer would tell each person in the line up to say a phrase in their best English accent and that line would be ‘pip pip cheerio’. Of course, everyone says it, except Integra.

Police Officer: Number Six, please say the line.

Integra: I refuse to debase myself and even entertain the thought of saying that!

Police Office: Say the line!

Integra: You do know that no one in England says that right?

Police Officer: Just say the line

Integra: Hell no.

Police Officer: How about ‘good day guvna?

Integra: So you want me to say a pack of stereotypes to amuse you is that it?

Police Officer: We don’t have all day.

Integra: Fine. Fuck off, you bowl of cheerios.

Victim: That’s her

Chapter End


	28. Too Long

**HELLSING HEADCANONS & DRABBLES**

**TOO LONG**

**DianaPrince31**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Headcanon: Alucard took too long to get to Cheddar.**

Do you know what gets me? Why the hell did Alucard _walk_ to Cheddar? Why wasn't he there when Integra was? What with the whole speech about how vampires turn people to ghouls and all that blah, blah, blah she was spouting only to have the people wait _THREE BLOODY HOURS???_ I mean those dudes were being berated by Integra, only for her say what? 'You'll just have to wait for three hours for the only person who can kill vampires to come '? I don't know about you but I find that to be a bit incompetent of her. And I never called Integra that before. And don’t say it so that Seras can become a vampire, because that could have happen in less than three hours. If you forgot, that vampire priest got to Seras a long time before Alucard showed up. She should have been turned then. But poor writing prolonged it, as if the priest was waiting for Alucard and we know he wasn’t. Alucard is way stronger than him, if anything he would have gotten the hell out of dodge.

Or could it be that Alucard was a douche that night and decided to walk instead of you know, BLOODY _FLY?_ In the anime, there were specifically trained soldiers taking on vampires, which was totally badass. It gives you more of a vibe that Integra actually fought vampires on more than one occasion. In Ultimate the soldiers were used to create a bit more character development for Integra. This time this is incompetence on the author. I know that the Hellsing Organization is to hunt and destroy vampires but I'm sure saving people is a given. What? They didn't want Cheddar to have inhabitants? Did they prefer a ghost town?

**Chapter End**

**Author's notes: I came up with this after I had a strange dream my high school or college having a play about Hellsing. I am not sure if it were three hours, I believe it was, but even a half-hour is too long to wait in a ghoul attack, especially if the vampire who controls them is alive. I hope you enjoyed it. The next chapter is gonna come off like a Reddit post.**


End file.
